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Blessings Not Curses

  
We’re here again. We had a good run. A long break between illness.

Your eartube fell out a week ago & the moment I saw it my heart sunk deep within my chest as the fear crept in. Knowing the sickness that so swiftly came running back, I knew the days ahead. Soft eyes from your doctor telling me the same tricks to get through, that there’s nothing we can do but wait. We can pray your body is grown enough to do without, but in my heart I know. So we will live in this place again.

My heart crumbled in the stillness of tonight after my husband took the next soothing shift. Exhausted from the lack of sleep & feeling of guilt. See my love, I was you. My ears still massively scared from years of illness & a laundry list of food intolerances before it was a thing. Any mom who’s little shares her trials knows the secret weight of guilt. That somehow we feel the fault was passed from us. That we couldn’t stop it. The one thing we prayed you would not get, we must now walk the familiar path. Just as our mothers did.

But here me now, mothers of littles with shared trials. The hard will create the good. These are the things that will grow the the strongest traits of beauty within them. Intolerances forcing hands to learn the craft of flavorful cooking, illness grows a powerfully empathetic heart for their neighbor, that ADD is what lies within almost any artist & even ears scared deeply become the best listeners. These are the days we fight to see the face of God, that we draw closer than before. These are the days are children will see us pour ourselves out for them, someday doing the same for others. These are the days we look at our own mothers with eyes filled of tears & say thank you for marching on for the sake of us. It is not the curse that we have given them, but the strongest parts of who we are. We are the reason they will love. We are the reason they will never give up. We are the reason they will always pick themselves up.

Because they are our reason.

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