Tonight we sat in the dark waiting to see the “flash of light”. Snuggled together, fear and adrenalin holding us close. Silently I rocked him, letting him find his was to bravery. Even though the unknown kept your heart racing, you asked to stay to watch the storm.
There is so much I learn from my little warrior. Next week I face a lot of fear head on. 6 flights in 7 days. A sickly prone child stuck in 6 airplanes with recycled air, dirty seats. Far from home, from his doctor. From the ground. Every time I think about it I find myself working through my irrational fear, fighting back the anxiety. As a mommy who struggles daily with anxiety often spirals of dramatic scenarios play out in my head. Sometimes frozen in one spot in the midst of an all consuming hidden battle. But many would never know. As we get closer I become incredibly aware of the little heart watching me. Waiting for me to show him if he should be excited or scared. Waiting for my to show him how to be brave.
But more than that I want to show him to be honest. I want him to know that sometimes we get scared. Sometimes those fears don’t make sense. Sometimes they’re little fears and sometimes there all consuming. Sometimes we can handle them and sometimes we can’t And that’s ok.
Because in the same way he holds on tight to mommy for protection, we can hold onto God for the same sense of safety. Crying out in raw honesty our fears to a God who does not roll his eyes or try to reason with us. He doesn’t tell us we’re being ridiculous or making a scene. He simply opens his arms and says here my child, let me hold you, you are safe. There is a level of fear I want him to know that I have. Only because I want him to see how I walk through it. How I pray through it. How I decide to be courageous through it. That I walk forward in spite of my storms. It is not the fear itself I care for him to see, it’s the honesty of my humanness. The need for God. It’s the journey through the storm I want him to see the most. To know that mommy sometimes gets scared, even though daddy isn’t. But it doesn’t mean I’m not getting on that plane. It just means mommy prays a lot while flying.